Chapter 11: Art installation

 Self-portrait 20 August 2024

I am back to the place where my abuse took place.
It took all my strength to leave, back in Nov 2023.
I was broken, crushed, destroyed and having suicidal thoughts.
I thought I would be "safe" to try to pull myself together. At home surrounded by friends and family (in contrast to here where my family were never welcome - and isolated culturally and socially) but Greg was able to harm me more - when I thought I was starting to get a tiny bit better from what, I stupidly thought, was my lowest low; I was kicked when I was already down - it made it worse - it was worse - I don't know if I can ever get back my hope. I used to think everyone was basically good, just maybe misunderstood. I was wrong. I thought if you treated others with kindness and respect, nice people would reciprocate. Stay away from toxic people. Stay away from unkind people. Treat others as you wish to be treated. Most of all be kind. I did this. I did all this and more...but have been abandoned by the one person I trusted the most. Left to deal with this awful situation BY MYSELF. Because it is my problem. I am the only one who can get myself out. If you saw me drowning would you stand by and just tell me to swim/or try harder? Come on Way Way what will you do now? (With your "yeux bridé") Or would you jump in and try to save me?
It took all my strength (?) to come back here because I felt I should be able to have the keys to my own house (that I co-own with Greg).
STOP telling me it will be better. RIGHT NOW IT IS *SHIT*
All kinds of horrible I never imagined, no-one can guarantee it won't get worse. Maybe it will never get better. I have tried with all that I have and nothing has helped. I HAVE NOTHING LEFT

I want to sleep and not wake up.

...I think the worse thing is that the ONE person who could help me can't be bothered and thinks it's respectful to unilaterally decide to start sleeping with other people and give someone else new his attention and affection because I didn't and don't deserve it...

 














 



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