On reflection...
Yesterday was not such a bad day.
I am cautious about having "good" or "not so crap" days as it makes the contrast with the bad days worse. Maybe its just because I am getting used to feeling down all the time, that it has become normalised.
But yesterday, I managed to get out of bed around 8am (which is a superb achievement), I even had a banana and a bowl of cornflakes! (even bigger acheivement!) with my tea and vitamins. I think I even managed a shower before 10am...because when I finally went into my mums house to unload the dishwasher... I heard some meowing outside - not unusual as Chip or Dale like to talk to me... I had seen Chip come in for some breakfast, but not seen the more vocal Dale yet...
I eventually went to the front of the house, to take the bins in...and heard incredibly frantic meowing - this is usually followed by Dale appearing out of a bush or from a roof...but no sign. our neighbours could hear him too as they were at the front of the house wondering why there was a cat shouting so much. It turns out that Dale had snuck into the garage when I opened it in the afternoon of the day before, and had been locked in there all night!
Anyway...I got the keys and managed to release him, where upon he shouted some more... He seems unbothered and is carrying on as normal...
I did manage to go out for a walk yesterday - "do some exercise" people tell me... (what about sleeping and eating? should I not focus on those first? - I bothered to weigh myself today and apparently I've lost 10kg since coming back to the UK - I was 78kg in April 2024 and today i'm 66kg. Apparently, depression (or complex PTSD) is a very effective diet plan). I walked to the big sainsburys in North Cheam (which is less than a mile each way)...I wanted to buy some beyond meat burgers and they are only £2.50 with the whole nectar price thing and I have had these vegan brioche buns sitting in mum's kitchen for well over a month now - they have suspiciously not gone mouldy yet - and mum was commenting about how I should really use them.
On my walk to Sainsbury's a walked past a house which had a tray of windfall cooking apples for people to take, so I took some. When I got home I peeled them, cut off the unsavoury bits and cooked them up into "apple jam" or compote. A major acheivement. Actually did some cooking.
I also then proceeded to cook mum some dinner - but I did wait for her to come home from work before I really started...I cut some potatoes and one of Quan's garden courgettes put some oil and salt, popped them into the air fryer.... then when they were done, put the burger patties into the airfryer too. Cut some avocado and then got mum to toast the brioche buns. There dinner! It's been a while since I had the will power to cook mum dinner...I have definitely been rather self involved of late. Still not eating lunch but at least I have had something for dinner for the last 2 days in a row! It remains to be seen if I manage something tonight. Who knows. Anything is possible.
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