How (not) to deal with a narcissist with OCD and control issues... A.K.A Way Way's mid-life crisis

A very interesting article in the guardian which touches upon the importance of admitting when we are wrong: https://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2024/sep/23/train-terrorist-racist-friendship?CMP=share_btn_url ...it also includes a link to an excellent stand up routine from Aamer Rahman on reverse racsim that is brilliant  https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=dw_mRaIHb-M

  Greg seems to think I am spreading lies on the internet. Apparently, I am busy spinning a "false narrative". Sadly, I wish this were true. I wish I had made this whole elaborate "story" up. But honestly, why would I? How could I make any of this up? If you know me, I am not that kind of person. Unlike Greg, I am not lying about calling the police to get someone "medical help" when I actually wanted them to be arrested. Unlike Greg, I am not lying about if I can get a mortgage in France to buy my partner out of their share of a joint property. Unlike Greg, I am not lying about supporting his partners application for citizenship. Unlike Greg, I am not lying about anything to anyone. I am not stupid. I am not arrogant enough to not check facts in more detail before confidently claiming to know about a subject. ...Unlike Greg... Lies have a way of catching up with you and catching you out. I do feel sorry for Greg, if he ever thinks about this whole situatio...

 

  So I'm at St Pancras station....just putting my bags through security and one of my bags are stopped by the scanners. Supervisor is called over. Points to the flammable sign and says sorry we can't allow this. Then more kerfuffle as I try and rescue a pen and caps...and as I'm trying to rescue bits and pieces another supervisor comes over, has a look and says, it's fine, let her through (although the original supervisor says its just because the other guys is too nice and if I were a guy it would be a different story. Anyway, he goes off to get me some tape to seal my package back up and casually asks if I'm heading to Paris. I say no. And blurt out a mini version of my recent life story....at which his response boils down to: yeah France is racist. And okay UK is racist, but it's not in your face racsim that you get in France. Obviously, I'm crying again... He ends with. Good luck and it will be okay in the end... Maybe it will, maybe it won't. Update...

I've been quite a few times to the local recycling centre, doing 6 trips to get rid of about 3 cubic meters of green waste from mum's front garden. I am quite recognisable driving around in Betty ...and everyone at the recycling centre were always impressed at the amount I managed to ram into Betty.  Anyway, I went back today to get rid of some rubbish and one of the recycling centre guys who I had chatted to a bit when I had been doing multiple trips to off-load green waste was there and helping point people in the right direction...he made a throw away comment that I had lost weight.  I said: "oh yes, I suppose chronic depression and not eating does that!"  He then looked at me and said, "I know the feeling". We had a good conversation about grief, depression, losing interest in things, finding positives and obviously I cried. As I left he told me that he was always there (at the recycling centre!) if I ever need to talk to someone. Which was very sweet. A...

Greg doesn't understand why I am accusing him of domestic abuse. But this is part and parcel of 2 key things:  1) Greg's complete disassociation from the consequences of his actions and behaviours; 2) not understanding what domestic abuse is; French domestic abuse law, talks about "l'emprise" and "controle coercitif" - that translates to "grip" and "coercive control". Controle Coercitif: "Il s’agit d’un acte délibéré de comportements de contrôle, de contrainte ou de menace dans le but de vous rendre dépendante, subordonnée et/ou de vous priver de votre liberté d’action. La nature de ces comportements peut être psychologique, verbale, économique, administrative, matérielle, parentale, physique ou encore sexuelle." [https://www.womenforwomenfrance.org/fr/nos-ressources/violences-conjugales/comprendre-les-violences/comprendre-les-violences-conjugales] Coercive control: "Is an intentional act of controlling, coercive ...

    So. Is it a crime to write in chalk pen on your windows? Is it a crime to write in pen on your bedroom walls? Are children who doodle on walls vandals?   If it is a crime, why didn't the police arrest me like Greg wanted them to? Do you think they read some of the messages and wondered why Greg had spent his energy and efforts in trying to bring them to the house to look at the destruction I had caused and wondered why he wasn't trying to get his wife help? Don't worry, after a very fleeting thought that Greg had carefully explained to my brother that he only called the police, not to get me arrested, but because he was concerned for my safety (I doubt that even the french police officers believed this). He has now turned his thoughts back to his normal point of interest. Himself. And his feelings and opinions. Which are, first and foremost the most important thing in the world. Irrespective of the law, other people's opinions or rights. I am apparently not entitled...

    Before I escaped France, and Greg, I had submitted an application for french citizenship via marriage. Which Greg had supported and promised me that he would help me with the application. On Monday 9th September I got a call from the prefecture telling me that they had received a letter from someone claiming that we were divorcing and they wanted to check if that was true or not. So I suppose that Greg very honourably wrote a letter to the prefecture to tell them that I should stop my citizenship application. Promise broken.  Lied to. Betrayed. Isolated, then ignored. Controlled financially. Now controlled administratively. Victim blamed. ...the dictator has lost control. The dictator does not like it.  I don't need you to believe me. I need to believe in myself.  TRUST  

  Lies Greg his repeatedly insisted that he is unable to get a mortgage on our jointly owned house in France as he can only get a mortgage to buy me out of my half of the house, after the divorce has been pronouced in the UK (with a copy of the final order - that he will show to the Notary but not register within the French adminstation system because of it affecting my french citizenship application - which he had promised to help me out with) so that the Notary can transfer the ownership of the house in France to soley Greg's name.   Having spoken to a French "juriste" (legal expert but not a lawyer) associated with CIDFF (Centre d'Information sur les Droits des Femmes et des Familles) she tells me this is a lie, and despite what Greg has been insisting is "it's different in France". The mortgage credit is based soley on Greg's salary, which has nothing to do with the transfer of the deed titles or the divorce. Untruths Greg has been insisting on u...

  Whenever Greg and I discuss our situation, he always starts with "Do you realise..." The stress that Greg is under, how Greg feels about everything and anything...all about Greg, never about Greg understanding my position or feelings about things. Which is in effect the root of my, and subsequently, our problems. So I have questions for Greg (Mr I'm the victim here because nobody understands my obviously correct position but I have zero empathy for others even if they are in the same position as me doing the same thing): Does he really understand why I left to go stay in the UK back in November. Does he realise that he is hurting/insulting me by starting a new relationship before we have even finalised the divorce, when we didn't even discuss this together and he has continually shown me no respect for my opinions? Does he realise that it was difficult for me to integrate into life in France? Does he realise that it was difficult for his mum who speaks fluent french...

Yesterday was not such a bad day. I am cautious about having "good" or "not so crap" days as it makes the contrast with the bad days worse. Maybe its just because I am getting used to feeling down all the time, that it has become normalised. But yesterday, I managed to get out of bed around 8am (which is a superb achievement), I even had a banana and a bowl of cornflakes! (even bigger acheivement!) with my tea and vitamins. I think I even managed a shower before 10am...because when I finally went into my mums house to unload the dishwasher... I heard some meowing outside - not unusual as Chip or Dale like to talk to me... I had seen Chip come in for some breakfast, but not seen the more vocal Dale yet... I eventually went to the front of the house, to take the bins in...and heard incredibly frantic meowing - this is usually followed by Dale appearing out of a bush or from a roof...but no sign. our neighbours could hear him too as they were at the front of the house ...

  ...I have motivation issues. I managed to get out of bed at 8am. Well done me! But also only managed to get out of pyjamas to have a shower by 5pm. So I did manage to do it, it just took a while. Also had another call with Sutton talking therapies (to whom I gave my GP referral to see a psychologist)...no news yet on the psychologist and we agreed that I first of all have basic practical goals to achieve (like sleeping and eating, and possibly the more amazing goal of not crying every sodding day) before starting CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) as I am not in any shape or form out of my trauma yet (in fact I'm pretty convinced that there is more trauma waiting for me even before the divorce is finalised. Also no news from the counselling available through the ICE benevolent fund. I did finally manage to clean the egg off my car and windshield sheet...which kids threw at ours and our neighbours cars and our door on the 22nd August...quite rightly mum and our neighbours (who ha...

So last night, I didn't sleep so well, despite taking magnesium and a drowsy antihistamine that the GP gave me. I mean it had the right of effect of making me feel nice and woozy....but I woke at 3 am and again at 5am with nightmares of seeing and interacting with Greg and his new girlfriend. I lay in bed... Heard the cat feeder activate at 6:30...I think I managed to drift off eventually as my brain woke me up again at 9 ish...I lay in bed feeling my heart pounding viciously in my chest for the best part of an hour. Trying to breathe my way through it to see if it would calm down. It wouldn't... I drew the curtain to peak outside and saw Chip dash past... Managed to get out of bed to let my poor cats in to access the cat feeder :) Dale came rushing in first and ran straight to the biscuits followed quickly by Chip...they scoffed down their breakfast and theb Dale demanded lots of cuddles and attention. Then what Chip finished his breakfast I gave him a good brushing, which he ...